This week is a preview of what is the future. I had a class to attend on Tuesday to get my CEU’s to keep my Pesticide Applicators License. I am currently scheduled to return to work in January. I have also been going around to daycare and preschools looking for a place to take at least my oldest, possibly both kids. The house is a mess and try as hard as I can, I am not getting anything done fast enough for my own standards. My emotions are constantly flip flopping as I ponder these changes.

Tuesday as I sat in the class, I felt lke my mind was opening back up for business. I love diagnosing plant problems and deciding how to treat them. I am such a nerd, I was happy to listen as one presenter explained which enzyme process was blocked by a certain insecticide. (I may have been the only one, since most of these guys spray peoples houses for cockroaches.) I revel in the complexity of life and how our plants and insects are smart enough to figure out how to thwart our plans for them. My job in that sense (excluding people issues) is fun and I enjoy it.

In the last 6 weeks or so since I met with my employer and listened to their offer, I have been torn about my decision to return to work. On one hand, I will get out of the house, and will get to have a life that does not revolve around the walls of this house or the people who live in it. On the other, it is another responsibility to juggle. The bottom line is simply that we need the money, and they offered me a 30% raise to come back. Which means I can work part-time. I am not a financial wizard and can only make ends meet. The money I make will go to debt and trying to get into a house in the summer or to move with a new job. The fabulous aspect of my employer is that my job is flexible as long as I get the job done I can set my own hours.

Z has been very excited by visiting the schools and keeps asking when we are going back. I really had wanted to take him to a mother’s day out or part time preschool this year, but we couldn’t afford it. I know he will love it. So far all the places we have been were really nice, and I think we would like it. (The last time I looked into daycare here, I got the heebie jeebies, luckily I didn’t need it.) The baby can either go where Z goes, or he can go to the sitter that kept Z when he was a toddler.

So it is pretty much all worked out, and I do feel 75% good about my decision. There is that 25% that screams, but you won’t be there with the kids. (Will mother’s guilt ever go away?) Besides if we all hate it, I can stop, right?

Insecurity?
How much does it rule your daily life?  It rules mine too much.  It’s been on my mind a lot the last few days about how I have let my insecurities hold me back.

For example.  I was listening to a band that some of our friends play in that we like a lot.  They are working on making it.  The moved from here (Las Cruces) to the big city of Albuquerque and play in Santa Fe a lot.  They aren’t getting rich or anything, but they are making a living from the band, and are in the studio right now. As I was listening to one of the tracks, I was in awe of how it sounded.  I was really in awe that someone I know created music that sounded so ... professional. Why?  I think because I cannot see myself as a professional and I view my friends through those gray tinted glasses too.  They are out there living their dream, why aren’t I?

I was talking to another mom today and she was telling me about how in her child’s play group hers was the only one doing x and she thought it was because she was doing x and blah blah blah.  It occurred to me that the reason why have to compare our kids so much is to assuage our own insecurities.  I admit that I often feel exasperated, I don’t know what I am doing with my kids, and forever feel like I am not doing a good enough job.  So when I realize that my child is doing something ahead of his time or that another kids may not be able to do, I silently gloat to boost my sad, sad ego.

Recently when I went to my mother’s house for a visit, I had another one of my insecurity fits.  Usually when I go I realize all kinds of things about my appearance, my skin looks blotchy, my hair seems to behave worse, I find stray hairs on my neck and my clothes aren’t good enough.  I don’t think my mother does this to me, it is just like I revert back to junior high or something.  Maybe it is just the fancy Hollywood lights she installed in the bathroom.  Seriously the lights are like what you would find in a interrogation room, they make the mirrors seem like a fun house there is a clown looking back at me from the mirror.  AHHHHHHHHH  (That is my story and I am sticking to it, it’s all the bathrooms fault.  Right?)

My insecurities have been a problem for a long time.  Guess what? I have never really ever felt like I fit in.  Even when I have fit in, I can make a mountain out of a molehill.  When I relax and cling to a shred of confidence sometimes it all works out okay.  One of my more embarrassing moments was in junior high.  We went to a new church camp and there were rooms we were being assigned to (instead of being in one big room together.) I got assigned to a room with the “cool” girls, the ones I didn’t feel like I fit in with, and just knew the whole experience was going to be horrible.  The first night I was having a dream about them being mean to me and was yelling at them “I don’t want to be your friend, either!”  Apparently I was actually yelling that in my sleep.  Oh joy, but the good news is that my outburst ended up being a good icebreaker and we all had a good time at camp that year.  Although I never really fit in with them (just wasn’t girlie enough) I learned that my fear of what they would think and how they would treat me was much worse than reality. 

Right now my insecurities lie in motherhood, being cool (aka not frumpy), and becoming a professional person.  Will I continue to let the hold me back, or will I go ahead and jump into the deep end of the pool and not worry about what anyone else thinks?


Editors note:  If you want to check out my friends awesome band, Nosotros please do they are  Performing the best in Latin Groove!!