I think I hinted or alluded to our newest family member in my last entry. 

This is a true story by the way...

A couple of Sundays ago we went to visit some of my husband's family in  Roswell.  Yes that Roswell, you know the ones with the aliens, where I was born, not dropped off.  We live about 45 miles or so from there. 

Anyway, we are sitting out on the porch visiting and Max points and says "Bird" and it is not just any bird, but a chick.  So the boys are playing with it and we end up playing with it for the rest of the afternoon.  Sweet little thing, it flew up on my shoulder and snuggled before trying to eat my earrings. The boys found it bugs to eat, and we made it a little water dish. We made several attempts to find a neighbor who had chickens but we couldn't find one.

Z had started begging to take it home right away and since we couldn't find an owner, he rode home with us in a box. The chick was a bit noisy early on, not to sure about the car ride, so Z told it the three little pigs and then sang it Kumbaya.  He reminded me on the way home that "We Don't Eat Pets."

My master plan was to eventually have some chickens around here, the plan has just been moved up a bit.  We poked around the pasture and found a few chick supplies and materials to build a coop.  I already have a a few more chickens promised to us after the fair.  My aunt was a bit chagrined about us having a chicken as a pet when she came to visit this week. When she was a girl there were a lot of chickens around here, but they weren't pets.  My grandfather, great-uncle and great grandfather ran a hatchery on the property for a long time.  Most of the buildings are gone now, but a few of the nest boxes  are still around.  Even though this isn't my first go around raising chickens, we had a small flock when I was a kid, it is amazing how one small chick can make me feel so connected to my family's past. 

So here are the pictures, and please bear in mind this young chick is just getting feathers so it looks a bit motley. 

Well I hope everyone survived the holidays and no fist fights ensued.  Ours were good and the only crying came from children under 5 this year.  ; )

I haven't been online much being sidetracked by nasty little stomach bug my sister brought from California (it was bitchin, NOT) during my three days of vacation while the kids stayed with Grandma.

Plus we have been totally addicted to Text Twist around my house.  Take my advice and please do not start.

New Years was nice, I slept it in and did nothing New Year's Day but hang out with the familia and watch movies and play with our new toys.

Tuesday was a gloomy day. My work day started off with a mess.  I found some new overhead cabinets installed at my desk, however everything on the counter underneath was coated in dust and piled up.  I bit my tongue and reminded myself I had storage now. Since it took until after lunch to clean it up.  No blogging at lunch that day.  The weather was gloomy too, lots of clouds, little sun. News of the death of a loved one for some of my coworker friends and of a another friends child having a large tumor and probably having cancer, put me at a real low for the rest of the day and to be quite frank, blogging seemed like a bad idea when you feel that blue.

By Thursday though the sun was starting to shine again. The diagnosis came in for my friends 6 year old daughter, she does have cancer it is Stage II while the tumor they found was large, they think they got it all.  Yesterday at lunch we took the food we had cooked and some money gathered over to the coworkers mothers house where the family was gathered.  It was nice to get to meet more of the crazy Enriquez clan, they are a lot of fun.  Plus we got hot buttered tortillas right off the griddle.  I think I may take them some more food today, and not out of the kindness of my heart. Homemade tortillas are not a skill I have mastered.   ; )

I thought I would play with Window's Live Writer and show you my holiday photos.

 Remember that Living Christmas Tree thing I was telling you about.  Imagine this with 60-70 choir members stuck inside.  

The boys got to visit Santa and tell him everything they wanted.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I have to admit I got everything I wanted this year.  I felt spoiled.  My mother-in-law got me this ring that I had eyeballed at a store over Thanksgiving.

 

I also scored an MP3 player and a digital video camera.  The boys got games and clothes.  My parents worked it out with Santa to have a new playset dropped off at their house.  Z dubbed it the pirate park because of the spyglass.  They also all got new cowboy boots from Nonie and Padre and I can barely get the boys to take them off to sleep.

My nephew Wyatt enjoyed the swing and his new John Deere Apron.

I don't want to forget my lovely neices. Makenzie with her mom (my sister.)

   and Kadence with Great Aunt Roberta.

We made my Dad choke up with this present.  Geez you think he wanted a tie instead? ; )

The boys got to play in the snow in Cloudcroft on our way over the mountain.  Did I mention we got a gift certificate to the Lodge too?  I can't wait to use that.  It's a historic resort in Cloudcroft NM.  Clarke Gable and Pancho Villa stayed there back in the day.

Since they haven't seen much snow in their lives it didn't take us long to call it quits.  Z really wanted to build a snowman.  We may have to make another trip up there before winter is over.    Well I hope you forgive me for my absence, I'll be making the rounds to visit everyone. 

 Z sang in the children's choir at church last week.  All the kids were pretty cute.

Max is still learning to talk so he didn't sing. He is currently recruiting for Sesame Street, at least that must be why he has wear this jacket as much as possible.  Cookie Monster wants you!

   

Here they both are at Halloween Howl with their Auntie Mindie Mouse.  Z is a clonetrooper by the way (not a stomtrooper, for the love of God do not get them confused!)  Max was supposed to be Yoda but he wouldn't wear the hat, so he is a  very young Luke Skywalker.

  

 

I'll just title the next sequence "When Jedi Attack."    

   

Have a great weekend everyone!  

Happy  4th Birthday Sterling.  We love you!

Father’s day is tomorrow and I am a bad daughter in terms of a gift.  I bought something today, too late to mail, but I can at least use the excuse that I know I am going to see my dad next weekend, and he can appreciate me saving the postage, right?

I was lucky to be born to fantastic parents who supported me in every thing.  They both are great.  Once in high school I was interviewing for a position at a state level in 4-H.  They asked me who my hero was, the question took me back, I didn’t have an answer for it, but the first thing that came to my mind was my parents, so that was how I answered.  Later one of the judges told me that it had helped me since I was the only one who didn’t answer some kind of pop icon.

For the most part there wasn’t too much drama with my dad, most of that fun teenage fighting time was reserved for mom.  (Sorry, mom.)  Except for when he tried to teach me to drive a standard he had been fixing up for me, a 50’s model Chevy Bel Air that had belonged to my great grandmother. (I’ll pause to let my male readers drool, I still don’t get what was so great about that car.)  More than once the starter went out  after I popped the clutch and killed it, I got mad and walked home. 

He taught us how to work with animals, I had show steers and horses.  God knows how much money he spent on all that. He kept at it even after a few embarrasing steers gone wild at the fair moments.  I don’t remember a single event that he wasn’t there for, although I guess there must have been something he had to miss. 

Especially now that I have my own, I can really appreciate what they did for me.  I suppose the only downside of all their parental involvement was that it didn’t help me get dates in high school.  You see my dad is a big guy, and he looks mean.  As a consequence, big scary men don’t usually scare me, I suspect deep down they are all big teddy bears. (Yes, even most of those bikers, right Alicia?)

Apparently even if some guy was crazy enough to like me, my dad sent them running the other way.  The funny thing about is that while I was aware of if in terms of my own gain, it didn’t realize that people felt that way, I figured if they knew him, they weren’t scared of him, and everyone in town knows my dad.

In junior high I did figure out that he could scare guys away, there was an obnoxious boy who took a liking to me, he even followed my bus to school after he had is own moped and didn’t need to ride the bus.  No amount of rudeness from me seemed to dissuade him.  Then he saw my dad somewhere, never heard from him again.  Notice I said saw, there wasn’t even need for conversation. Wow, I had a new tool to use.

My sister recalls the boys at dances wanting to know if my dad was there, so they could decide whether or not to get into a fight.  I think this why neither one of us dated a lot. I only had the one boyfriend, and my sister dated a state policeman’s son.  (He apparently wasn’t easily intimidated.)  My husband tells the story about meeting my dad with the prefix that I didn't warn him.  Warn him of what I asked?

My dad often talks about what he will do for his retirement job.  One day he said he wanted to be a greeter at Wal-Mart.  My brother-in-law thought this was hilarious.  He said the customers would come in and be so intimidated that as he asked if they wanted a cart, they would stammer “Yes, sir, in fact I’ll go get all them from the parking lot.”  Or, “Yes, sir I’ll take two.”

All joking aside, I feel lucky to have such a wonderful dad.  I am so glad my kids have been able to know him and hope that they get to for a long time.  Even at thirty-three one of my favorite things is still a big hug from my dad, I just know all is right with the world after I get one of those.  I love you dad.

Warning: Once again I apologize no real "good" news. However I did have some really nice things happen to me this week. God answered some prayers in amazing ways. Plus he sent us a bit of rain on Monday night. I love the smell of rain, but the best part? It came down hard enough to wash the bird crap off my car. I don't feel quite so sh*tty now. ; )

It’s only Wednesday?

Somehow I feel like I have fit a lifetime into the last week.

Thursday night was a bombshell night. This is too public a place to tell you what it was, but it was not good. I was still in family defender mode, my husband is depressed mode, this is a setback but we have been doing so well and we can still make it mode. He kept saying you should kick me out, I’d deserve it. I wasn’t ready for that.

Friday I was angry, or so I thought until I came home and talked to him, all of his anger about the loss of his job was bursting forth, my anger was mild annoyance by comparison. He was talking heatedly saying things I couldn't quite agree with but didn’t dare dispute. I felt like my best option was to duck and cover and not say anything.

Saturday was hard, as I went about the normal weekend stuff, planning ahead for the week, the thought that had been running through my head that I needed to separate from him was pounding in my head like a bad headache. I normally would have went to Sam’s Club and got a few things, but it seemed so pointless since I didn’t know what I was going to do. I didn’t think I had it in me to ask him to leave. After the kids went down for nap we were talking and I don’t even remember what was said, but I told him what I was thinking. I think I must have said if that is they way you feel than you should leave. No yelling, some crying (on my part), he made phone calls found a place to stay. Called my mom she said she was on her way, then I called a friend and told her what was going on while he waited for a ride he came in and tossed his ring at me. He asked if he could stay on the couch later instead, I told him that my mom was coming. Nevermind he recanted. Numbness as I went about my business.

Sunday, no word from him. Tears were around, but I was better than I thought I would be as we discussed my options. My brother thought he had a job lined up for me, so did my dad. I actually was feeling hopefull and my biggest regret was leaving my job, and moving in with my parents. It felt a little like defeat, but mostly I felt a weight lifted. I was no longer waiting for the hammer to drop, it already had. It wasn't as bad as I thought.

Monday, I hoped I could keep from being a crying ninny as I told my boss. Not a complete success, but it wasn't as bad as I had feared in the tears department. Again someone showing me wonderful support, and made me an offer that is difficult to refuse if I would stay. He reminded me staying put for now might be good for my kids. I tell him I will rework my budget and see what I think I can do. He (the hubby) comes over and gets his car towed to the shop, and wants to talk. He's sorry and wants his family back. I wonder where the monster that didn't love me on Saturday went. However I talk to him and was glad he conceeded that it wasn't the best move right now. After all, this is the third time in as many months that he has wanted to separate. I didn't have to flat out reject him, so I guess it went well.

Tuesday, Have trouble concentrating at work. What should I do? Do I think there is enough of a chance to stay here and see if things can work out, or should I just go home now? I feel like I may be disappointing my family (parents etc..) if I don't go now. Will they think I am the girl who cried wolf and not be there for me next time? Even though my mother said she'd support me either way. Make appointments to take care of me. I am going to get my eyes examined and new glasses on Thursday ( I have been without for three months) and go see the counselor in the morning. I made an appointment to cut my hair also. I think I may go much shorter. I did a little research apartment prices and locations.

Today, I read today on Jenn's blog (Daily Drama of a Daycare Mama) about when she was scared the most. She asked her readers when they were scared the most.

My answer? Right now, I am the most scared I have ever been. Letting go is hard. I can't help but think of the adage, Let something go, and set it free, if it comes back it was meant to be. I have no idea what will happen, or what my best course of action is.

It's funny, I had been scared he would get better and decide he didn't want me. Right now I am scared he will get better and I won't want him.

Danger:   This entry contains possibly puffed up stories about Nora’s children.  Could induce some gastrointestinal distress due to its attempt at being cute.  I mean really don’t you get sick of these parents and their, my kid is soooo smart, soooo cute and soooo perfect. ; )  However it is a true story without any embellishment or coaching on Nora’s part.  Really I mean it, no really.


Alicia was recently writing about her brilliant prodigy. 

I also think perhaps my child has an above normal I.Q. 

After all he is my kid, how could he not be brilliant?

He is 3.5 and entertains me daily with our conversations.

Examples of his brilliance:  the other night he pointed at our lamp and said G-O-L-D.  It is brass and therefore gold in color.  I do not think that it is a freak thing or perhaps we misunderstood him.  I mean after all he can also sing his ABC’s.  Not only can he sing them, but he puts his own spin on it. “ A B C  MNOP now I sang you sing  me.”  I know you are amazed at his brevity, but really who needs all those other letters, they are so last year anyway.

If you are skeptical this should convince you of his intelligence.

We were driving in the car the other night and my dear hubby was complaining about a tailgater.

Hubby:  Jeez lady why don’t you get off my butt!

Me to hubby:  Why do you have to talk to me that way?  I am not anywhere near your butt right now.

Hubby:  Uh,  Look I wasn’t talking to you, everything is not about you.  It is all about me, because I am THE MAN.

Me:  Oh really?

Z from the backseat:   NO DADDY, you not the man, MOMMY IS!

See what I mean?

Ahhh where to start, I have been absent for about a week.

Two words should explain it all.

I won’t bore you with exploding puke stories.

Luckily so far, I am the only one that hasn’t had it. However I feel like I am watching the previews at the movies and we all know that Stomach Flu 06 will be visiting a stomach in me soon.

All Quiet on the Marriage Front.

It varies by the day whether or not I think this is a good thing. There are issues that we are letting lie for now. I guess my fear is that I am letting them lie, he just may not ever care to discuss them. Could be the differences of the sexes or it could be a symptom of a larger problem. I try not to obsess and am successful most days. Most days he does seem to be doing much better. He has an interview for the Head Band Director job in the fall next Friday. This is a step, I think he would regret it if he didn’t apply. Someday I may tell you about the storied history and why this job is so important. On one hand I hope they decide soon, it would be one less thing hanging over our heads, on the other hand, the fallout may or may not be good.

I mentioned that I took Z to my parents house a couple of weekends ago. It was a strange visit, since the Saturday before I had called my ‘rents to tell them I thought the hubby and I were splitting up and to see what they thought I should do. I am not completely sure, but it is possible the whole town knew about it. One of my mom’s best friends caught me after church on Sunday. She and my mom used to trade daughters when we were doing 4-H and school projects because we would work better without our own mom to fight with. She is like my second mom. She asked me how I was doing a few times, and I was trying to play it cool, I said I was fine. When she asked me how counseling went I started sobbing like a baby, an hour and half later she dropped me back at my parents house. She was basically telling me it was okay to leave my only partially happy marriage, because it had been that way a long time and maybe a separation was in order. She reminded me that the only thing I could change about my current situation was me, I can’t change him, and I can’t heal him either, and that I shouldn’t let him drag me down with him. Don’t take this to mean she was telling me what to do, but reminding me of certain things she believes to be true.

My grandmother told me that she didn’t think men should be verbally abusive to their wives and how one time she and my grandfather separated. At the time I was taking it pretty hard, because I wondered what they are all seeing that I am not. I wouldn’t characterize my husband as verbally abusive, but my grandfather I would, so maybe that is what she meant but I am not sure.

A couple of days later I decided maybe they were meant more to be warnings from people who care about me so much they may be overprotective. Plus I was listening to the local station, which plays country, and man there should be a warning label about listening to country music when you feel like your heart is breaking. I don’t recommend it without tissues in bulk.

I had lunch with one of my best friends later that week. We talked quite a bit about the situation, and she seemed concerned too. We talked of how when the hubby and I were living together some years back and living a bit away from home and I left him and moved home and we were broke up for a few years. I was pretty heartbroken, and possibly at my lowest then, luckily she was home that summer also. I told her I don’t feel that broken now, I am sad, and I hope things work out, but what I had learned during that time he and I spent apart the first time was that I could survive without him, I just didn’t choose to.

I try to be patient, I realize that everything that has happened over the  few years will take time to get over, and that we still have a long ways to go. I do admit I long for the carefree way I felt a year and a half ago. I hate the cloud of uncertainty that is currently hanging over my head, because I have no idea what he will do now.

Today hasn’t been one of my up days about the marriage, he was already getting down about the interview last night and I guess I am worried. And just like me and my marriage advisory counsel, he has a lot of people advising him about this job and whether or not it would be good for him. Hopefully they will help us see what we need to see, but unfortunately we need to figure it out for ourselves.

Z is big guy now for a little boy.

No diapers, constantly improving language skills.  He spent last week with my parents for Spring Break.

My mother said he was an extremely polite child, she told him it was bedtime and he replied, "No thanks."

Monday he was not at all concerned with me leaving.  Another bittersweet mommy moment, proud that he is independent, sad he didn't need me.

Tuesday he spent at my Aunts house, she has 3 large dogs.  Doggie doors big enough for Z to crawl through.  She said the dogs would wait for him to crawl out with them to go play.  He asked if he could have his lunch served in a bowl on the floor too.  (I was if he barks and has a shiny coat, to think nothing of it.)  He even slept on a clean doggie bed at nap time.  Much to the dogs and my aunt's chagrin he woke up ready to go again.  I hear everyone slept well at her house that night.

Wednesday was cold and windy in Eastern NM and poor Z had to spend the day inside with Nonie at the office.  She said he was a pretty good boy but wanted to know when we wanted to meet to pick him up.  Monday she had volunteered to drive him the whole three hours to my house to drop him off on Saturday.  I guess those new knees weren't made for keeping up with 3.5 year olds.  We made plans to pick him up on Friday.

Thursday he spent with another aunt and cousin.  Had quite the time I guess trying on spectacles in Wal-Mart.  Plus his grandfather "Breakfast" had agreed to board some horses for a friend and he got to ride one.  "The biggest one," he said.  My mom must be feeling better because she offers to bring him back on Saturday again.  Then at 8:30 Z calls to tell me good night.  "When you come back to get me?" he asks.  I almost cry. "Daddy will come get you tomorrow," I tell him.

Friday I go to work and wait for the hubby to bring my big guy home.  Finally the end of the day arrives and as I am walking back to my office I see a little boy running toward me crying Mama, Mama.  I pick him up, hug him tight and breathe him in, glad to have him home.

Saturday night he asked, Why do you love me?
For a lot of reasons, I snapped. And also because of that Je ne sais qua that doesn’t make sense about love.

Sunday afternoon he was crying telling me he was wrong and he didn’t know why he wanted to throw his life away and he didn’t want us to go. The day was spent talking, asking hard questions revealing fears and secrets.

Do you see us together in five years? I asked.
I don’t know, he replied, I don’t know if we can make it, we always seem to be having the same arguments. This year it seems that even if we manage to overcome an obstacle, there is another one, a bigger one, just around the bend. Isn’t that just the way life is sometimes? I wonder, but I know what he means.

Monday, I start out the day feeling strong, thinking I can do what I need to do and get through the week. This all unravels after I leave work and go to the store, I can’t shut my mind off without the distraction of work and I start to feel panicky, faint as I wait to check out. Suddenly the anger over the situation is hot and ready and I feel like bolting for the door.

Tuesday, I felt numb, unfocused, desperately wanting some resolution to all my jumbled feelings. The appointment with the counselor seems years away instead of mere hours. I wanted to wait and talk to him, lay out all my cards before I decide. The secret keeping is hard and although I have talked to several people, I didn’t tell any one person the whole story. I wonder if I will have the guts to finally do it, admit what I don’t want to talk about. To be absolutely truthful about how I feel instead of putting on a brave face.

Wednesday is finally here, I type out a list of the topics I want to make sure I cover with the counselor, in case I have trouble verbalizing them I can just hand him a list. The secrets come flowing out and I wonder are they as bad as I think they are. For once I don’t care what someone thinks of me and our marriage.

Outside of the problems of depression, are our problems so bad that we are doomed to fail?

Sitting outside in the car outside afterwards, the feeling of dried tears under my eyes, I decide. I have to decide whether to stay or go. I decide, secure in the knowledge that I have a plan of action should I need it. The knowledge that I have options, I am strong and capable of being alone if need be. The knowledge that I have an excellent support base, and am very lucky. The knowledge that I don’t have to stay because of a pledge of “in sickness or health,” but because if I were in his shoes I hope he would stay and try too.

Editor's note:  These are my emails from today.  All names except mine have been changed to protect the innocent.  The clutch went out on hubby's car and it has sent him into a tailspin.

Dr. X (husband’s counselor)
>
>I couldn't find your card and wanted to leave a message about possibly
>getting in to see you this week, if possible Monday or Tuesday will be
>good. First thing in the morning or after 2:00 are best for me, but I can
>work any time out except 5:00 pm. I have to pick up Zach by 5:30.
>
>"Hubby"  is doing poorly and has asked us to leave again, he thinks this is what
>he needs to get better. Quite frankly I am not sure what is best at this
>point, I just know he is not getting better. I have already talked to my
>parents and they are willing to let me move home with the kids for a while.
> This would require me leaving town and my job. Unfortunately we have
>little money and my job doesn't pay well enough to support us, so I guess
>this is my best option. It just doesn't seem right.
>
>In any case I would like your advice and if you would please give me a call
>at work tomorrow, 555-5555. The receptionist will probably have to call me
>in so it may take a few minutes.
>
>Thanks,
>Nora

Nora.. just happened to check my e mail before I leave for the airport...I am
out of town right now. Returning this evening. You and “hubby” and the kids
have been through hell this past year..I call it crisis pile up...MANY
crises all at once...more than anyone should have toe experience in a decade
let alone a year. I think the WORST thing for you to do is to separate at
this point...for so many reasons....Since I have been out at this research
meeting so much this past week, I am heavily booked for next week, however,
I do have an opening on Friday, 3/17 at 9 AM. Can you make that...even if
only you, Nora can come?? Also, I am wondering if “hubby” may want to call his
PCP about increasing his anti depressant meds...this may help in the short
term....
Let me know if the 9 on friday works...also, if I have a cancellation this
week, I will let you know.
Hang in there and please think twice before you decide to leave at this
point!!
Dr. X

(Editors note: This is an email to a friend who inquired about how we were doing a couple of weeks ago.)

Jane,
I am so sorry it has taken me this long to reply. I have a dozen excuses. ; )
I have returned to work, I was intending to work about 30 hours a week and that keeps growing. I do enjoy working again, but maybe not so much. I think it has helped me to be less stressed out.
The baby is doing pretty good, he had to get ear tubes this week because the ear infection he had when he got  pneumonia never had gone away. Got any tricks for getting ear plugs in his little ears, man he hates that!
I hate to be a big downer, but my marriage has been pretty rocky lately. “hubby”  is severely depressed and the counseling the medications aren't enough to pull him out of it. Last month he told me he wanted to separate that he had had enough. I thought it was just the depression talking and with the anniversary of his dad's death pending that maybe he would snap out of it soon. He did enough to decide he didn't want us to leave, but last night he decided this again. He isn't handling the stress at his job well, and he certainly isn't handling the stress of everyday life, in particular family life very well.
So I called my parents last night and told them what is going on. I (we) cannot really afford two places right now, no matter who leaves. I don't want to leave him, but I am not sure he will get better with us here either. What do you do when your husband says I can't handle it I want to separate? I am fearful that staying will push him over the edge, and leaving will to. (Editor’s note: my parents live about 3 hours away)
This isn't a great situation for my kids, he is afraid he will get really angry and hurt someone he thinks he is close to losing control. (Editor’s note: he hasn't hurt anyone yet, but the look in his eyes scare me.)
So now I have to decide if I am going to go live with my parents or trying living with a friend or something and keep my job. I hate to leave it, but it isn't like I am making much money either, just about 25k if I was working full time.
You may realize that I have been out of church for a long time. I still pray and talk to God all the time but hadn't really wanted to start church again. It felt like just another activity in my life that I would want “hubby”  to join and that he wouldn't and it would be another wedge in our marriage. I guess whether I stay here or move with my parents I will probably start going so I have some more support.
Hopefully, he will heal and we will be able to get back together. I have no idea what God has in store. At least I can talk about the situation now, I have been holding this inside for so long!
Jane, I am glad we are friends, and I am sorry I didn't get back to you sooner. I do know you know what it is like to be a wife and mommy and hopefully you aren't too put out with me.

Nora

As of this moment,  this is my current plan of action.  To stay here this week and try to get "hubby"  into the primary care doctor.  His mother and I wonder if hospitalization is necessary.  I will ask for some time off next week to will plan on going to my parents house next weekend.  We had planned to leave Z there for spring break since his pre-school is closed.  Money is extremely tight and other than having a garage sale to get rid of furniture, I don't have any assests to tap into.  The only "extra" things we pay for are the phone, long distance, cable and the internet.  I am already looking into taking Z to daycare instead of pre-school, it will save at least $50 a month.

I have to admit I have been having a pity party of late. It is a lonely party.

A majority of my problem is money, or the lack thereof. With the increase in heating costs, medical bills due to illness' that won't go away, my husbands belief that we now have some money since I am back at work and the daycare's needs to be paid in full a month ahead, I have yet to see any "profit" from me returning to work in our budget. (Except for the mental workout I get, there is a benefit.)

My projections leave us in the clear by the middle of May with a bit of room to spare, but it will be a hard road and any large unexpected expenses are going to throw us for a loop. In order to gain a little more wiggle room in the budget I have been trying to get a full 40 hours in at work for the last few weeks. (I typically work 30-35.) This is hard when you have to take off time to go to doctor’s appointments with the kids. I am going to try having a garage sale this weekend and possibly sell some furniture. Who needs a couch anyway. (We have a second.)

Anything to get ahead, because those monkey wrenches I mentioned keep coming. For instance this week it was a $175 in copays to get tubes put in the babies ears since he has had a ear infection for over a month that hasn’t cleared up. The financial counselor at the hospital gave me a bit of hard time when I asked if I could write him two checks post dated for my next two pay periods. He explained if it was deductible I could pay it out, but not on a copay because in his words, “I have already agreed to pay to that when I accepted the insurance.” What? I wish I had a bunch of (or heck even just some) money in the bank for these kind of things, but right now I don’t. Besides this was decided on Monday, and he is having the procedure today, I didn’t exactly have planning time. Thankfully the baby is cute, because the admissions lady kept saying, but it’s a baby, and they finally took my checks.

I do hate paying for healthcare, I mean thank God we have insurance, but even with it the costs seem pretty high. We won’t talk about what I owe our doctor right now. My glasses are broke and I was trying to shop around for the best deal before I go get another pair. Last time the insurance paid for $75 in frames, it is down to $50 dollars, but the generously pay $5 toward the lenses. Gee thanks, I am glad I pay $15 dollars a month for that, I think I may be getting robbed on that one.

Then I read the news and see that Dana Reeves passed away and I feel guilty. It could be worse. I thought that was a tragic story for her child. Dead at 44, after you buried your husband the year before. I also considered that having money doesn’t make you immune to problems.

Even still I have been considering raiding the change container to buy lottery tickets in case my luck changes. I was entering the online entries on Deal or No Deal the other night cursing the winner in Albuquerque last week, she probably used up all the New Mexico luck. She did, I didn’t win.

Then after my ordeal at the hospital with the financial counselor, I dug some change out of my seat cushions to go get a drink at Sonic. Nothing like paying in pennies, when they give me a handout. It looks like the opportunity I have been waiting for.

It says:


At least I woud get a shake, oh wait, no I won't. Bummer, I was getting so excited!

In the Olympic sprit I would like to share with you the Olympic type sports that happen around our house. These aren’t really winter events, but the climate here is much too temperate for real winter sports.

4. The Kitty Litter Dead Lift. – 40 lb container from Sam’s. Clean lift out of the trunk, no dropping to the ground, or points will be lost. Round two of this event includes putting the one that weighs much more full of the icky litter into the very tall trash container, points lost for spillage or cursing.

3. The Water Bottle Squat and Dump. Squat down pick up water bottle 46 pounds. Balance on knee with one hand using other hand to unscrew lid. Put lid down and then grab bottle and dump onto the dispenser without losing a drop.

2. Baby Wrestling. This is somewhat like bull riding, the point is to last 8 seconds without getting permanently maimed. Watch out for head butts to the eye socket and the sneak attack from big brother. Tips for lasting include tickling and kissing.

1. Tandem Crying Double Arm Lift. Holding two crying children for whom no one but mommy will do at the moment. Bonus points for doing this while walking, or pushing a shopping cart, and smiling while getting baleful stares from other customers.

Power Shift
We have had a big change around here.  My baby now prefers his daddy to put him to sleep.  Daddy couldn’t be more proud.  He smugly gloats over it and asks me if I am jealous.  He even watched the both boys all day Saturday.   (He hasn’t done that in a while.) 

While he is a good dad, he hasn't been the best at figuring out what baby needs.

I nodded and made like I was very jealous.  But... of course I am not.  Did I say “FREE TIME?” 


In other news, I beat him at Star Wars Trivial Pusuit Last night.  (and the crowd goes wild!)  He might regret getting me to read some of those books, I even knew a few hard questions. There may have been some luck involve since I didn’t get questions that asked me the names of animals this time.  (Really how much of a geek to you have to be to know that?  Okay my husband did, but he is a cute geek.)  I was even nice and didn’t suggest we play Lord of the Rings Trivia afterwards.  (It wasn’t even a contest last time.)  He is a smart man, who likes to think he is sooooo much smarter than me. ; ) I love it when I prove him wrong.  Childish? Yes, but so much fun!

Expectations.

I heard the other day that most rage and anger is because of expectations that weren’t met.  (What? Who turned a light on?)  Wow, that makes so much sense.  The example given to illustrate this was road rage.  “How dare those people be out there in your way as you try to make it from point A to B.”  (By the way, road rage is not my problem, let’s just say the other driver in my family has it.)  I however have had some problems dealing with my expectations the last few years.

I expected that we would be better off financially by now.  I expected that my husband would be a better father. I expected that my career would be fabulous.  I expected that I would know how to be a mother.  I expected that life would be easy.

Why?  Why have I expected some of these things?  Why shouldn’t I expect some of those thing? 
The expectations aren’t really the problem though, it is how I handle myself when I feel those expectations aren’t met.  I think I may act a bit like a three year old, when my expectations aren’t met.  I have to admit I have spent a fair amount of time being sullen in my marriage when my husband just didn’t do what I wanted.  He didn’t anticipate the needs I expected him to meet and therefore I was angry. 

“What is wrong?”

“Nothing”

“Yeah right, What is wrong?”

“Nothing!" (while thinking if you don’t know I am not going to tell you!)

“Fine, don’t tell me!”

Guess what? At some point over the last few years I finally matured enough to ask for what I want, and now in general my husband meets my expectations.


Ahhh... I have it all worked out.  NOT!

I expect to have all kinds of magical family moments too. I like to make plans so I know what to expect, my husband does not.  I have been trying to quit because my expectations involve some kind of great and meaningful activity and my expectations were never met.   Instead I have been trying to live in the moment, and I have been happier.  By the way,  we have been having great family moments. 

We went to the band concert the other night.  I am usually annoyed during the whole thing.  I expect the kids to possibly be a problem so we go a bit early but not too early so they don’t have to hang out. Parking is a problem and then I stake out my corner in the first seat on the bottom of the bleachers so that I can leave when the kids have had enough. The same spot all the people who show up late decide to sit too, it is always gets too crowded. I expect a three year old to sit still during the concert, he doesn’t. The seating annoys me, I don’t really get to enjoy the concert and yadayadayada. 

While there are lots of possible solutions to these problems, I fixed it with just one easy step.  I altered my expectations.  I got us all dressed and we went a little earlier and found a parking spot, we visited with people and I picked a seat more in the middle.  I didn’t expect to make it through the concert and had my exit plan in place. I told Z he could stand in front of me but had to be quiet.   Guess what we made it, and I enjoyed the performance.  The best was when Z was directing the jazz band while dancing standing in front of me.  (From my view he was just behind his daddy.)  It was one of those perfect moments, Z is having a ball, Daddy is doing his thing, baby is bouncing along to the beat, and I am smiling enjoying it. Wow,  I didn’t ruin that moment with my expectations.

Ahhhh.  I am on a yoga high.  I feel so good afterward, even though I don’t get to put full effort or concentration into it.  It is hard to fully concentrate when you have a 3 yr old monkey who thinks you are a jungle gym ; )  I had a pregnancy yoga tape I was doing for a long time and then i quit and around Mother’s day I picked up a new one, today is the first time I have done it.  I really have to ask myself why?  I make a lot of excuses, and if I would do it on regular basis, the kids would ignore me and leave me alone.  A new goal.....

Yesterday was a good day even though I was pretty disappointed that my husband had the day off from school and still had to spend the day up there.  He needed to clean out the office and get the old guys stuff together for when they escorted him to pick it up and the whole band area needed a good cleaning.  He was going to do it alone, and I offered to help, but with the monkeys in tow I am not really any help.   Luckily he mentioned it at the band parent meeting the night before and parents came to help.  So we took him lunch and the boys entertained all.  I imagine this happens to all parents of babies, but everywhere we go, people telling me how cute my boys are stop us.   The band parents ohhed and ahhed and tell me to enjoy this time before they turn into raving teenagers.  Z as usual, had a good time with the drum line kids, he played the marimba and then they gave him a tambourine and a mallet and he was keeping time with the quad players as they were doing their thing.  I thought I was going to have to send him with them to their competition.  (come on the judges would have the place them first on the cute factor alone.)

The hubby came home to pack for the trip to the drum line competition and while here Z comes out of the bathroom without any pants.  (This is a common problem.)  He has a block in his hand he says something about putting it in his pocket and his father points out that since he is wearing no pants he has no pocket.  Z says yes I do, and for some reason bends over in front of his dad, giving him the full moon view.  “That is not a pocket!” he manages to tell him through the belly laughs.  We often wondered what we did for entertainment before we had kids, and what in the world is going through their little brains to come up with this stuff!

I am so tired. My eyes ache. I am convinced that if I could pluck my eyeballs from my head it would relieve the pain. Any move I make reminds me of the tension in my neck. Unfortunately the boys haven’t seen fit to nap at the same time, so no break for their mama. I am trying to stay positive even though I see no end in sight. Where is my husband? At work, and he will be working 12+ hour days for the foreseeable future.

I guess my pain and tiredness is rooted in stress, it has been very stressful here of late. Money has been tight and I have realized that I really need to go back to work so we can get caught up and ahead. Luckily my old job really wanted me back and offered me a 30% raise in pay to go back, but I won’t start until after the first of the year. The landlord called and said he wanted to sell the house and our lease ends in December. He said he might not if we signed another year lease, but we only can really only honestly commit to 6 months and so I am waiting to hear what he will do. The thought of moving makes me ill since we not only don’t have the money but also do not have the time. The thought of applying for a mortgage is equally stressful to me. A no win right?

My husband’s job hasn’t really been going well, the head guy has been a real jerk and has really brought the program down and so my husband has been unhappy. So much so, he said to me last week we aren’t staying here next year unless the head guy leaves. (Therein part of the problem with the lease or the mortgage.) He’s been so stressed he doesn’t even have a sense of humor. (and I haven’t really told him about the money thing yet either, because he just doesn’t need it too.) So Monday he gets called to a meeting right after school and finds out that he is the new head guy and the old one isn’t allowed on campus anymore. Then the on the 10 o’clock news we find out why. He had been arrested for sleeping with a student. Oh joy! In a way it is a relief that he is gone, but what a mess he left. Selfishly I am concerned about how I won’t be seeing much of my husband. I feel like we get so little family time as it is... Every night there is some part of the band rehearsing or having sectionals and then there is the school play that is rehearsing every day. And he will have to be there and watch everyone’s p’s and q’s, so he has a shot at the head job next year. (Sometimes I wonder why does he wants that job, it is so hectic, so stressful and to top it all off, he makes so little we qualify for Medicaid. That however is another blog entry in itself.)

I have a new respect for single moms, how do they do it? I cannot imagine. And for my husband, I have new respect for him too, I hope he is making high school enjoyable for a few kids and makes a difference in their lives. I know I appreciated all my extracurricular activities. Thanks to all my teachers who took the extra time.

So if you read this, thanks for listening to my crap. Because that is what it is. I will get over it, life will get better, I will laugh again soon, and I know it could be worse and that I have a great many blessings to be thankful for. I think I’ll go tickle the boys, that always makes me smile!

 

As I read in the paper, it is now officially fiesta season. ( Meaning there is something going on all the time now.) Last weekend we started off Saturday by going to the NMSU (New Mexico State University) Homecoming parade. It was fun for the boys and we got to see Daddy’s band marching. It was an enjoyable morning with a nice view of the Organ Mountains. There were a few interesting groups including the Navajo student dancers.

Later we carved pumpkins with a few friends. Zach’s handiwork is on the little white pumpkin. He really enjoyed it, the next day he asked to "hurt" pumpkins again. Yes the big one has a storm trooper on it, not my best work, but I am out of practice I haven’t carved a pumpkin in a few years/

The next day the boys and I went to Mesilla for the Day of the Dead or Los Dias de los Muertos celebration. I love the plaza, I used to go there and just walk around, for some reason it always makes me happy. (Now if I could only win the lottery so I can buy a house there! It is expensive now.) There were alters set up to remember loved ones, victims of natural disasters, pets and illegal immigrants. The alters typically include pictures of the deceased, some of the their favorite things, decorations and offrendas or offerings like pan de muerto a sweet roll. The vendors were selling many day of the dead arts and crafts including the skeleton dolls. Around the plaza there are lots of stores full of art, books, clothing, food, jewelry and tourist souvenirs. At one end of the plaza is the church with a gazebo in the middle of the plaza. Some of the stores had homes behind them and there is a doorway that leads to them off the plaza. I got to visit one once and it was amazing.

Then Monday night we dressed up the boys as spiderman and darth vader and hit the neighborhood and then to our friends houses. Zach said to me Tuesday, "Mama let’s get dressed up and go play trick or treat again." Now the first thing heard in the morning is "Can I have some candy?"