Warning this entry may ramble and be incoherent.  I apologize, I blame the red wine and hot chile I had with my dinner.

This morning started off with some interesting news. A friend telling me all about how another couple we know is possibly getting a divorce. She had to tell me all the gory details she new about how the woman had an affair and how everyone was mad at her. Also about how her husband was remarkably considering counseling instead of an out and out divorce.

It upset me because it is one of our (my husband and I) best friends. I knew there were some problems, but it hit me hard. It is strange how our lives seem to be parallel and this morning it felt like looking in a mirror of what could be. I nearly laughed out loud at this friend, because at one point she told me she had no sympathy for our friend because she could have told her that she was having problems.

I thought the comment was humorous because we all used to party and have fun and often times I don’t think we are real friends who rally around each other in times of crisis. I haven’t told any of them about my husband’s and I current situation because it seemed much too close to home, and I didn’t really want everyone talking about us. I had to tell my family because I thought I needed to have somewhere to go quick or I might still be holding all this in. Besides, every time I get on my high horse and judge someone, I swear it bites me in the ass, and I find myself in situations I wish I weren’t in.

In any case, I emailed my friend and told her she could talk if she wanted. I don’t condone what she did in the least, but I think I should at least give her a chance to talk if she wants. I sympathize more with her husband because I know we have been in similar situations lately. At the end of the day I don’t think it is my place to judge my friends, especially without talking to them first.

I have also been thinking quite a bit about race relations lately as well. Thanks to the immigration bill and Mocha Momma’s entry. It occurs to me that many of these social problems are based on judgment in the absence of experience or thought. Mocha was talking about the black children constantly being corrected for using improper English. I recall how our city cousins used to give us “country” bumpkins such a hard time about our accents, our activities as though everything where they lived was better, they sat in judgement.

It seems similar to me, I’ll correct you until you are like me, until you hold the same values, you talk the same, dress the same, act the same. Aren’t we evolved enough to understand what is important? Basic kindness, empathy and respect.

 I live in a place where the majority of the population is of Hispanic descent. Many are fairly recent immigrants, some have families that have lived here since 1600, 1700's. New Mexican, Mexican, Native American and the Anglo cultures all intermingle here. New Mexico has become a retirement mecca. The city I live in is one of the fasting growing in the U.S. Yet many of the new comers would be happy if the place they moved to became just like wherever they came from. Our paper is filled with comments, letters to the editors and complaints about how Spanish is spoken so prevalent here. Mind you no one is going to have a hard time if they can only speak English, but there are many services and business that cater to the Spanish speaking.

In fact our state has two official languages, Spanish and English. I was being taught Spanish along with English until I was in third grade. We had Dick and Jane type readers in Spanish. I was the minority, the gringa, and I wanted to be a Messican like my friends and eat shicken at lunch. I don’t understand why some people want to change this place since I assume it the culture was part of the attraction to move here, why would they want our town to be like Wisconsin or wherever they came from. It seems to me to be about judgment, they view wherever they came from as better, and we should learn to be the same as them. Our chile is too hot, our Spanglesh too unrefined, our landscaping not as pretty, our desert too ugly, our architecture too simple. Not that there isn’t room for change here, there is, but at what cost do we want it?

I realize this is nothing new. The Spaniards did it to the Native Americans trying to force them to become Catholic. The slaves were taking from Africa because they weren’t civilized and therefore less than the people who “were.” Britain conquered everywhere to make the world like it and Rome before them. The Christians must prostleyze to the world and save everyone from hell.

I hope that you are different than me, and willing to share your culture.  I hope you have made mistakes and learned from them. I hope that you embrace the culture of your past and the culture of your present. And before you stand up in judgment, remember everyone is just waiting to take down the king of the hill.

Scott—posted this comment about my blog about our Christmas drive last year.

I guess you sort of thought that what you were writing was the way everyone feels. But it isn't. You are very angry with your husband, you actually really dislike him and put him down every other sentence. I promise you. I have not misunderstood what you wrote. I know how you think it is funny, normal, a projection of what we all experience and feel. But it is not actually true. You are wrong. You do not love your husband. You are telling the whole world, but not yourself. Hope you have the courage to begin from the beginning. If not, you'll be OK. Just not yourself. And there's a big issue at the end when you realize that you were never really yourself. =Scott D

This would be my first negative comment.

First of all I don’t think this is the way everyone feels. I really don’t know how everyone feels, I only guess, and I am probably wrong. I was very annoyed with my husband and the time. I doubt it is what everyone feels. I do love my husband, but maybe not so much that day. I don’t have the secret to marriage or relationships. I find ours to constantly be a work in progress. It is kind of like a walk on the edge of cliff and we could fall at any moment.

My husband and I have been dating since high school. I remember the day I fell in love with him. I told him I wished we were older because I wasn’t ready to commit so much. I had not experienced the world and wanted to, but suddenly my heart was concerned with him too.

We were in that teenage early twenties angst for a long time. We both made life choices regarding college that we might not have made except for each other. It was probably a mistake. I think to some degree we both regret not pushing ourselves. Eventually we broke up for two years.

The first year we would talk and if we saw each other it was old times. The second year I refused to speak to him because I felt I was too weak and would go back to him, and that would be a mistake. I had started a whole new life that first year and I loved it. I had all new friends, kept in touch with old and for a while really wanted new relationships. A new friend suggested that maybe I should find myself first. I think I did. Eventually the ache I felt for him made me wonder and I gave him a call.

We talked and we talked seriously without pretense, there was no reason to talk if we weren’t open to each other, neither wanted to get hurt. We did talk and I remembered why I loved him. We both knew we had a capacity to live without each other but didn't want to. A few months later we were engaged and six months later we were married. It wasn’t easy, our families and friends were apprehensive. Defending ourselves was tiresome with a few and some were completely unsupportive.

We did it anyway. I won’t lie, there are things I don’t always like about my husband, but I love him anyway. He makes me laugh, and cry, and happy. He is the best friend I have ever had. I had a friend once who thought if you were in love you should never fight. I didn’t understand his philosophy, people always disagree, I wonder if people are being honest if they always agree. Maybe it is possible, I have never experienced it with anyone.

I mentioned to someone recently that the first year after our son was born was the hardest, she didn’t understand, for her it was the opposite. My husband and I aren’t planners, we didn’t map out our lives. We didn’t plan to have kids, and we certainly didn’t discuss little things like parenting, discipline etc. We also had some serious career challenges and so on going on. Like a lot of women I had the challenges of the change in my life as a mother to deal with. It was hard to figure all those things out when all of the sudden you realize you aren’t on the same page. As hard as the last year was, I wouldn’t take it back. The challenges have forced us to seriously evaluate our challenges and try to cross those hurdles. We are finding out more about ourselves and we still like each other.

I don’t think I would recommend our path, it has been bumpy and rough. It would seem like there was an easier path. We are both hard headed and seem to have to learn everything the hard way. We might be book smart but we often aren’t smart and get ourselves into stupid trouble. All the trials have taught us something, and we don’t usually repeat them. When I look at others I think maybe they all have it easy and this isn’t the way they live their life. When I really look at others and observe what is going on, I see they all walk bumpy road, they just handle it differently than we do.

I meant the story to be funny, yes, because it is now. I wasn’t laughing that day, because I wasn’t happy about my choices, I wasn’t happy that he didn’t want to do things my way, and I wasn’t happy that everything we did seemed to be wrong. Did I learn something? Yes. I hope that I didn’t portray my husband to be worse than myself. Some days we both act like jerks, it was one of those. Maybe I am lying to myself, but I really don’t think so. What do you think?


Note from Nora (Or a comment about reading this the morning after.)

Wow, I really let that person get under my skin..... maybe because he hit a nerve. I was debating deleting it, because it doesn't really matter what some person I don't know thought about my blog.  Like I said it was the first negative one about me.   (A few folks have let me know they hate NM, but I asked for that.) I think I let it stand, but I have got to get something humurous up, lighten the mood a bit!

In this corner Jesus, in the opposite corner all other religions or lack thereof.

Which side are you betting on?

My family couldn’t quit talking about this subject last week.  I sat and smiled most of the time when my mother turned to me and exclaimed, “Can you believe they won’t call it a Christmas tree, but a Holiday Tree?”  They are causing a lot of trouble I guess. I wonder if they are related to the others from Lost?

My favorite line from my mother was this.  “As I heard someone say on TV, we are a Christian nation, and all these people that come over here and try to change this.   It’s not like we go over to their countries and try to change them. “  (Hmmm, what are missionaries up to?)  What did we do to the real natives of this country?

This is one of those issues that somehow I did not turn out like the rest of my family, even the non religious ones.  I will agree with them that it is a Christmas tree, who is really fooled by this whole holiday tree thing.  However, I do think it is okay to be more sensitive to other people and that there are other religions that are celebrating holidays this time of year too.  Let’s face it, a whole lot of people celebrate Christmas that wouldn’t call themselves Christians.

I grew up in a small town, where most people are Christians. I guess.  It either seemed you went to church or you were a sinner that didn’t believe in church but still participated in all religious holidays.  There wasn’t much diversity, just various denominations of Christianity, if anyone was Jewish, Muslim or any other faith, I never met them. (or they didn’t tell me)  In retrospect I imagine that if someone was of another faith they may have kept it to themselves, there is a lot of pressure to assimilate in Christian culture. 

Personally I think we need to be better at celebrating diversity and not creating an environment where being different makes one less, not as good, or just made to feel strange. 

That being said, if you are celebrating Christmas, call it that.  If you are celebrating Hanukkah, please let me know, the same for Kwanza, Yule, or any other holiday I may not know anything about.  I don’t pretend to know all the answers, or really any of the answers.

The Holidays are still a joyous time of year for us to celebrate friends, family and the blessings we all have been given, no matter who you believe in.

In any case I hope Santa doesn’t make a wrong turn in Albuquerque and still finds me,  I need some new stuff under my Christmas/Holiday tree.  (Do you think I’ll finally get my easy bake oven this year?)